the waiting.

It’s truly foul.

My gran is dying. My gran is eighty-five years old. It’s time. She’s had a good, long life, and it’s really time. And I’m ok with that. I understand the process of life and death, and even though it’s not ‘fun’, this is a natural progression, and a normal sequence of events. She’s on morphine. She doesn’t know she’s in pain as she’s mostly out of it(thank god) and pretty much slipping away.

that’s me(WHATS WITH MY HAIR? AND MY CLOTHES??) with mum and gran, in England when I was 2.

However. What I’m not so ok with is that we’re all so far away from each other. She’s in England. Far far away. My mum(it’s her mum) is in South Africa. Far far away also. Not so fun. Understatement.

AND. Another thing I’m not so ok with. We wait…

And that process, is NOT fun.

They wait in England, by her bedside.

They wait in South Africa, by the edge of their phones.

And I wait. In Australia. All on different continents. Waiting. Every time my phone beeps my stomach churns. I know the inevitable will come. And while I wait, my body is in crazy mode. On high alert. I can feel it. I’m tense. I’m edgy. I hate it.

Why so traumatic, when I know what’s coming? And when it’s the ‘natural’ progression. Why so shocking, when it comes? When you’ve known it’s coming, and it’s time?

Because that first sting of death is a killer. Regardless of how ‘natural’ the death may be…

We’re linked. We’re blood.

It’s family. It HURTS… It’s part of being ALIVE.

And yet, that’s ok. I’m still ok with that.

And then, through twitter, I ‘know’ Lori. And Lori’s waiting also. Her husband is on life support, and it seems, through her latest update, that they may need to turn off that support in the next few days. Now THAT, is a different kind of waiting. And a whole new kind of pain.

That is not a ‘natural’ progression. That is the shock factor experience that tears at you from the inside out. That is very different to the eighty-five year old who will slip away…. That is a young family who are losing a young dad, a wife losing her partner…. That is wrong. It’s the wrong order. And that, I’m not so ok with. That hurts. It’s back to front.

And for now, we all wait. My family, and Lori’s. Different waiting. But we wait. And I won’t lie. It’s hard.

My heart is with my mum. Who is losing her mum. And that I cannot comprehend.

And my heart is also with Lori, whose heartache is of the richest form….

Great grace, and much peace I pray…

Tell everyone you love that you love them tonight. Don’t wait…



4 thoughts on “the waiting.

  1. Thanks Jo. For the reminder. We all take each other for granted. Just expect we will see them in the evening when we return home.

    Thanks lovely and I hope your heart will be OK. x

  2. You have such a lovely way of saying things. And, even more important, of seeing things. Thank you.

    Hang in there my friend. xo

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