never make eye contact while eating a banana

It’s Monday. And someone sent me this.

Which got me to thinking about life, and enjoying it, and all that jazz.

So here’s some of my thoughts:

  • There is most definitely a HUGE need for a sarcasm font in life. Create one, and make sure people know when you’re using it.
  • Take emergency naps whenever you can. Store them up. You can never be over prepared in nap storage.
  • Make sure you sometimes look at the time four or five times consecutively, but don’t truly absorb what it actually is. Just for frustrations’ sake.
  • Eat bbq chicken with your fingers. It’s the one true way.
  • You know that feeling of ‘ohhhh, I’m about to die’ when you lean just a little too far back in a chair? Yeah, that. Do lots of that.
  • Red lights were made for panic texting. Or tweeting…
  • HOW DO YOU FOLD A FITTED SHEET?? Don’t. Just don’t.
  • WHY IRON??? Don’t. Just don’t.
  • Bad decisions will make for great stories. Usually. But still, be careful.
  • Keep some people’s numbers in your phone so that when they ring you know not to answer. Sorry(don’t be paranoid).
  • Sometimes, spin someone’s child around in a chair endlessly until they vomit. They will love it(until they vomit). And their parents will get to clean them up. Just apologise and slink away.
  • ALWAYS take the groceries inside the house in ONE TRIP. Ain’t no way I’m going back to the car for seconds, even if my hands fall off.
  • If you’re going to laze on a floating device on the ocean and fall asleep, make sure you tie yourself to something stable so that you don’t drift away.
  • Boredom definitely equals hunger. So always have some cheese at the ready…
  • It was not necessary to learn algebraic equations in high school. But we suffered through it, so let those who follow suffer also.
  • Sometimes, wipe your eye with onion on your finger just to remind yourself that you’re alive.
  • Dont’ go searching for the ‘kumbayah’ factor in life. It will find you when you live truthfully.
  • If you’re going to let an elephant kiss you on the cheek, get ready for a giant hickey. Their trunk is basically a vacuum cleaner on steroids.
  • A good book will commit suicide if you watch reality tv. I’ve seen it. Don’t let the books die.
  • Punctuation CAN save lives. See this: 1) Let’s eat grandpa. 2) Let’s eat, grandpa. Let’s save lives together.
  • Try to eat some skinny people. (They say you are what you eat…)
  • Be careful when you exit real life for online. I am google-able. But according to the googles I’m also the younger sister(by 7 years) and agent of Stephen Fry. Yes, THAT Stephen Fry. BUT NOT THE SAME JO FOSTER.
  • Swing really high on a swing in a park. Until the chains creak and you nearly swing over the top bar. Then laugh hysterically and jump off the swing barefoot into the sand.
  • Occassionally, be a rebel and do a wee in the shower.
  • And, finally, never make eye contact while eating a banana.


19 thoughts on “never make eye contact while eating a banana

  1. For several years, the top result for my name was a British biologist who’d written an article about turtle sperm’s survival time in moonlight, or something.

    I’m curious to see how you eat a banana now. If eye contact makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you shouldn’t prop it up between his thighs before chomping in. Just saying.

  2. You are a smart, smart woman. I made the banana mistake once. It was bad. Seriously thinking about printing this list and sticking it on my wall so I can read it every day, just coz xxx

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